The day I've died is also the day when I've started to... live

Throughout my life, I've experienced "the dark night of the soul". I've actually had a serie of dark nights, for which I am being grateful now.  

During those hard times, I've never thought I would ever say or feel this, but I am grateful. Without it, I wouldn't have started to question life and my traditional way of living it. 

Before that, I used to think that reason and my precious logical mind were my greatest assets. Now I know it's actually the opposite: it was my biggest enemy! 

It only "helped" to rationalize all my fears and the results were always painfull and disastrous. I have come to realize I was actually trying to destroy my soul, by resisting and creating an incongruency between my soul (which I now call body) and my mind.

The emotional pain I went through made me so depressed, to the extent that my mind couldn't save me anymore. I couldn't understand how is it possible for all those overwhelming emotions to happen. And I was trying to have my mind be in control and restore my inner balance.  That was the first time in my life when I felt I couldn't rely on my rational mind, moreover, that my mind was actually in pain as well. As if the entire system has been compromised. I've tried seeking for external help, and shortly I've realized it is not to be found, because it doesn't exist. 

I somehow knew that the power is within myself, I just didn't know where to look for it. 

With no more power to resist or fight myself, I had no other choice than to surrender to the pain.  I've allowed all the emotions to flow through my body and mind and took a good look at it, while it was happening. 

With no choice of escape, I have faced more demons than I could have possibly imagined... I had to face them. I then sat, talked to my demons and learned them by names. And I've started to discover that some of them are actually very nice. We've  started to get along and following,  I've made peace with all of them.

 It took me more than a month, during which I haven't felt any improvement. 

I just know that I woke up one day with a smile on my face, knowing, with all my heart (heart only this time) that everything IS OK. As if nothing has happened. 

I don't even know how to describe the immense joy I was suddenly feeling towards myself and life. 

This was the turning point for me, where happiness WAS THERE without having to do anything for it. It just arrised from the moment. I have also discovered that in fact, peace WAS my happiness. 

I now see life with different eyes and never been depressed on anxious ever since. I was empowered with such a self confidence that I never felt before!

I'm now eager to be happy, to enhance my spirituality, to enjoy every bit of the gift of life!